Shirin Etessam: 'Free to Be' – Embracing Play, Soul Purpose and Healing in Six Weeks

 Shirin Etessam, author of transformative book, "Free to Be." shares her journey of self-discovery and healing, emphasizing the importance of play in overcoming life's challenges. 

Key Points:

• Introduction to Shirin Etessam:
  • Shirin's background in the film and media industry.
  • The pivotal breakup that led to her soul-searching journey.
• The Journey to Writing "Free to Be":
  • She felt "dead inside" despite outward glamorous success.
  • The six-year process of rewriting her life's story ( distilled into six weeks in the book).
• The Writing Process:
• Overcoming the "monkey mind" and internal gremlins to stay focused on writing.
• Structured approach: Committing to writing a chapter a month, working with editors, and testing exercises with a focus group.
• Daily Purge and Morning Routine:
  • Importance of the "daily purge": A six-minute exercise to clear negativity and declutter the mind.
  • Different forms of the daily purge, including writing, dancing, and outdoor activities.
• Week-by-Week Breakdown of "Free to Be":
  • Week One: Decluttering and detoxing the mind.
  • Week Two: Taking care of and protecting the heart.
  • Week Three: Detoxing the body and resetting the relationship with it.
  • Week Four: Embracing play as an essential part of life.
  • Week Five: Finding your true north and understanding the difference between soul and spirit.
  • Week Six: Rewriting your story from the inside out.
• The Importance of Play:
  • Play as an unintentional yet essential activity for creativity and emotional well-being.
  • Examples of play: Dancing, playing with pets, exploring new places, and engaging in creative activities.
  • Encouraging listeners to identify their "play personality" and incorporate play into their daily lives.
• Practical Applications and Spiritual Wellness:
  • The continuous journey of self-discovery and the importance of integrating spiritual wellness into daily life.
  • Shirin's mission to redefine spirituality as spiritual health and wellness, distinct from religious connotations.

Connect with Shirin Etessam: https://shirinetessam.com/

• Find Shirin's book "Free to Be" on Amazon and other platforms. It’s a six-week guide to reclaiming your soul. 

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Transcript

Caryl Westmore: Hello and welcome to the Write the Book Inside You podcast. Tips, tools, and interviews for coaches and healers like you who want to write a non-fiction book to boost your visibility, clients, and cash flow while making a difference. I'm your host Caryl Westmore, a multi-published author and energy psychology tapping book coach. Now let's jump into today's episode. So as well as being in the film industry, something must have happened in your life, Shirin, because you're here today to talk about your book, Free to Be. I would like to hear about the transition or what made you write the book inside you, which this surely is. Tell us about that.

Shirin Etessam: Thank you for having me on your show. I definitely had a book in me and I didn't realize that I had a book in me. What propelled me into my soul searching a decade ago was a big breakup that I had at the end of 2013. And it made me realize that I wasn't just dealing with a broken heart, everything was broken like just and it's weird because I had all of the worldly goods from the outside it looked really good you know I had the lofty titles I had the homes the cars I had even the community and the friends and a beautiful partner and two kids I was dead inside I call it my walking dead years and I was like what is this about? Like, why? Yes. Okay. Grieving over a loss of a relationship, which is, you know, devastating enough, but nothing felt right.

Shirin Etessam: And I had kind of fallen into this abyss. I certainly didn't set out at that time to write a book, but I wanted to write my own new book. I didn't want just a new chapter because people are like, like, oh, okay, well, new chapter. And I was like, I didn't want a chapter, I want a whole new book. So in rewriting my own story, which really took me about six years, and I realized that I, if I knew what I was doing at the time, the six years of what I call bobbing for six years, apples could really be distilled into six weeks. And so I wrote the book. And I also wrote it because my background is in film and TV and the agency world. I really, I needed street cred, you know, in this world. It's like, yeah, I could, I frankly don't know. I mean, I sit on a lot of panels. I've given keynotes and such, but it's all been within the realm of media. It hasn't been in the world of self-transformation. So in some ways, it really became my calling card. I needed to put some sort of in the ground, you know? My background wasn't as a monk or as a physician or as a therapist or as a personal coach. So much like... a Jensen, Sarah or Mark Manson, it was sort of, I had an aha moment, decided to write about it and everything has unfolded since.

Caryl Westmore: Okay, so we'll get into that, but I would like to know, you know, the writing process, as we seem to be talking, you know, about film and media, and how different was it to write a book? Reading your book and we'll get into the daily purge. I get the impression that you're quite a visceral person. I think is that the right word that you'd like to walk and swim and dance is one of your actions rather than just sit and contemplate. So how did writing the book fit into that? Did you write every day? Did you take time off? Tell us about your writing process.

Shirin Etessam: So very interesting and very different because I've written scripts for films and TV series or TV specials. I found it to be much more intimate and much more intimidating, maybe because it was long format. It was also, I mean, I've done both in film and TV. I've done both writing the book, you know, it's interesting because I think that the work that I did on myself actually helped in becoming really intentional in that I knew part of the work that I've done on myself is really realizing our monkey minds, the gremlins in our minds. I've learned what to do with those gremlins with the monkey mind, which is

Please let me know if you'd like me to continue from this point or if there are specific sections you would like me to focus on.

Sure, here's the continuation of the transcript with correct speaker attributions:

Shirin Etessam: ...which is week one of my book. But all to say that I really needed to tell my monkey mind to shut the F up so I can do the work that I do. And I think that is probably the biggest obstacle that writers face, is that chatter. I was in the sound booth recording my book.

Shirin Etessam: - Yes. - And even then it was just like, oh my God. Why did you write the sentence this way? Who's gonna listen to that? You know, just chat, chat, chat. And I'm constantly like, shut the fuck up and sit in the corner. I need, I have work to do. So with that in mind, tried to get out of my own way as much as possible. And I also committed to writing a chapter a month.

Shirin Etessam: I outlined it and I knew that I wanted it to be in six weeks, and I wanted each chapter to be about six weeks, not including the intro, and I did that. So I woke up January 1, 2021, and I was like, here we go. So I did it January through June, and right around June, I started reaching out to agents and by July, I had two agents who were interested and I picked one and it went from there and by the end of the year, by the end of 2021, we had sold the book.

Caryl Westmore: I think your daily purge process. Yeah, maybe a kickoff point. Did you, you know, you said it took a month, but did you write every morning? You obviously had a structure, which is good because you knew to do that. From the beginning I worked with three different editors just because I didn't want to be in my head as I was writing it.

Shirin Etessam: I also toward the end I had a test group mostly to see if the exercises the daily exercises that I have resonate with people so there was help along the way in formulating it. And the reason for that is that I was writing a how-to book for others. I wanted to make sure that it was actually resonating. If two or more people said the same thing, I knew that there was something that was off, that was common.

Caryl Westmore: Okay, let's start with week one. And I think you could say it's about the monkey mind. Well, okay, first tell us what this six weeks goes through each week and then we'll go into week one if we can. So we, you know, because you're looking, you're starting, okay, what I like about it is you're starting with the spiritual audit that we are to be living from the, are we living from the inside out as opposed to the outside in,

Shirin Etessam: and then you go on to look at the different facets of us, am I right, that, that will need a purging and a reinventing, really, in some cases. Well, so, yes. And everything is written very intentionally and structured the way it is intentionally, so it has to be experienced chronologically. And the reason for that is that you hear people say, follow your bliss or follow your heart,

Shirin Etessam: which following your heart is a misnomer. Yeah, as I read that, follow your heart, follow your soul. I've got that there. But when people say that, there is, it's like, yeah, follow your bliss. It's like how most people don't even know what their bliss is. Which is great. or, you know, buying something new or, you know, Instagram, you know, living my best life, which isn't, it's kind of superficial. So, and there's a lot of talk about disassociation at a young age,

Shirin Etessam: they say between zero and five or zero and seven, we disassociate from our true selves, which I believe is our inner core, our inner inner star our soul So we spend a lifetime Moving away from that inner core of us and then someone says follow your bliss Well, how do you get to it? How do you know what it is? so the first part of the book the first three weeks are About Decluttering and detoxing your your mind your heart and your body to do that So in in week one one,

Shirin Etessam: I talk about, it's all about the mind and how to declutter it and detox it. Week two is all about the heart and how to take care of it and how to protect it and who's allowed in and who's not. Week three is all about detoxing the body, but not just the physical body. It's really about resetting our relationship with the only vessel we have through this life,

Shirin Etessam: I call it our Uber ride through life, and how we need to maintain it and really shift our relationship because we're not often either ignore it or we're not nice to it. And so once you have that clearing, hopefully at that point you will be much closer to your soul, and you'll feel it, and there's ways that I I talk about that you know you're connected with your soul. Then it's like, well, what do you do with that?

Caryl Westmore: - Could you give us some indication? How do we know that it's our soul leading us and not our heart, that we are connected? Let's say we're working through the book.

Shirin Etessam: - So there's a few different ways. Musicians call it being in the flow. it's like it's that knowing it's that knowing it's interesting because the times that I know that I'm not following my true north and and my soul now because I feel like I'm so intentional is when I'm off of it it's like my guardrails like when I'm off of it I'm like okay otherwise I I feel like I'm so in it and it really is a bad that feeling of knowing and that feeling of fullness.

Shirin Etessam: Like I now, and it's been four and a half years where I feel complete onto myself. Like I call it the tribe of me and I talk about it in the book. So heart, mind, body, soul, in relationship with my higher power as I call it. it, Jesus, the all there is, whatever it is. So it is alignment. It's the way that you, like when you meet somebody and you instantly know that there's a connection there, you have a gut feeling about something and it just feels right.

Shirin Etessam: Imagine living a life where it's like that almost all the time because you're so intentional and you're so into your flow and you're so in your purpose. So for me that comes from my quiet time in the morning and my sort of routine, which is a quiet routine, you know, of reflection, writing and meditating, if you like, or quiet time. Or you, does it come after your daily purge?

Shirin Etessam: After you've made sure you've dumped what Julia Cameron calls at the brand dump, you call it the daily... purge. You've dumped out any worrying thoughts. But what I find interesting, do you see it a timer because you say six minutes?

Shirin Etessam: How do you get into, you know, into alignment, you yourself? Is it through meditation? That's perhaps that's one question. Do you meditate? Yeah, so I do meditate and I do a variety of meditations. I do the traditional meditation meditations. I also have gotten into doing breathwork if I'm too stressed out. So I do not just breathing exercises,

Shirin Etessam: but breathwork, and that I can do to either fully relax or energize myself. But it's also, you know, I spent a week learning transcendental meditation. You know, I've put myself, I've meditated with Zen Buddhists, you know, I've gone silent meditations and so it's important to point out that one doesn't need to do all of that. So I am comfortable meditating because I have been practicing it for many, many years. But the six minutes really is, you know, could you do it for five minutes and get the benefits?

Shirin Etessam: Probably, but six minutes at a minimum. So that you are allowing yourself that time to just purge negativity. And you mentioned Julia Cameron and it's absolutely. I mean, I did her book, her process 20 some years ago, religiously. Yeah. And what I've noticed with a lot of people, like a lot of people aren't comfortable doing the traditional it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, of lotus writing even.

Shirin Etessam: For them, it's much easier to go outside and shake it off and start, you know, speaking to the sky and the sun, the stars, whatever it is, you know, or dancing about or going for a run, as long as that one is intentionally set for purging, like I'm going on a purge run. - Yeah,

Shirin Etessam: yeah. doing a purge dance. I'm doing purge pirouettes. Whatever that is to get it out of you. And I think that is important to point out because customizing one's practice is what actually enables us to integrate it into our day-to-day,

Shirin Etessam: much like going to the gym and working out or a therapist. It's not a one-off and it's not here and there. It's in the practice of it. Yes,

Shirin Etessam: correct. I like that. Yes, the daily purge is every day. I say that. If you don't do any of the exercises in the book, just do the daily purge. And again, just asking for six minutes of your time on a daily basis, I think it does wonders. And those who have done the process say that the daily purge is just easy in the mornings.

Shirin Etessam: but you could do it really anywhere. I mean, I've purged when I'm, you know, driving at a stop sign. So yes, that is the first part of the book, and then the second part of the book,

Shirin Etessam: week four is about playing, which I am a huge advocate of, and there are different ways of playing. And I love the idea of playing, but I reckon I'm quite a serious person,

Caryl : and maybe my painting, you know, there are times when I'm the creative player. But when I'm focused on a project, the only release I get is to go, you know, swimming, I go down to the beach and swim in the afternoons, having worked in the morning on my writing. But I'd like you to explain to people who are new to play, because I think it is quite a difficult concept. We think we're playing looking at Instagram or something, but we're not, are we? How do you define playing and was it to so important? 

Shirin Etessam: So play at its core is unintentional. you're intentionally, unintentionally playing in that you're setting the time. You know, when you're a kid, you're not like, okay, I'm going to play now because it's going to make me feel better. You just do it because that's what comes out of you. 

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:Now back to today's episode. -

Shirin Etessam: I was in Florida a couple of months ago and I was watching these kids and I was so envious. I mean, and I've learned how to play now,

Shirin Etessam: but like just the natural ability to play and they were very focused on what they were doing. they were doing, sandcastles and they were digging something,

Shirin Etessam: they were bringing waters and there were pails and each one had a task and all of that. And you knew that they were going to do that for the next half hour or whatever. And then the, you know, wave's going to come and it doesn't,

Shirin Etessam: it wasn't about productivity. It wasn't about title. It wasn't, it was just being alive and creating and bonding and being in the moment. and that is why it's important because then from a very young age we start learning that we have to live from the outside in rather than the other way around.

Shirin Etessam: So we're taking our cues from the outside rather than oh well this feels good I want to do more of it and and being able to cultivate that you know so that becomes your go to -to.

Shirin Etessam: To me, that is the beginning of living a life inside out, truly letting your soul out to play. It sounds great when you talk about the kids,

Caryl Westmore: but how do adults do it? How do we do it?

Shirin Etessam: For me, play looks many different ways. I play with my kids, which is easy. I play with my puppy or my cats, which are also easy because now my kids are teens, so it's not as easy. But I can do it with friends. I do it with my wife. I do it on my own. On my own, I take dance breaks all the time. And when I was running a series for Discovery,

Shirin Etessam: I actually made the production assistant go out and get a disco ball globe. And we had it in the middle of, we had like this open space. And any time I felt the tension and the stress rising,

Shirin Etessam: and we were up against deadlines and all of that, I literally, it didn't matter if somebody was on the phone, I decided, and they knew it would come at any given time. (laughing) To turn off all the lights,

Shirin Etessam: I'd start blasting disco with the disco ball going on and we would dance our butts off up until the time I felt the energy change and then I would just turn it on and they were so used to it and it was perfect.

Shirin Etessam: I mean, it was just, so that's dancing. That's dancing with my entire staff and then we would go back to our, you know, serious stuff and then I'll, so there's all sorts of different ways today.

Shirin Etessam: I mean, you could go to a playground and swing or go on a slide. My wife and I, she's a wine executive and a baller in her own right and we're doing the things that we do and then we'll stop and we'll just be really, really, goofy together that could be like you know having a tickle fest or you know we just have this like silly banter and so many many many different ways to play and there are other play types too.

Shirin Etessam:  One can be a combination of a few. For example, one of the play types is Explorer. I love traveling.

Shirin Etessam: I love exploring and it could be, you know, in your own backyard or in your town, discovering something new. There's the Collector who likes  coins or stamps or, whatever it is, that to them is a form of play. And then there's ones that I totally don't relate to like the director. The Director gets joy out of organizing and coordinating, you know, like the ones who put on parties and stuff. Now, I think that I'm a great coordinato but I, it is, it's... not bring me to play, you know what I mean? I don't do it. Right. So you've got to kind of know your personality, your play personality type,

Shirin Etessam: and then figure out what that is, which I talked about in the book. Play is week four, and then week five is all about finding your true north, and that's when I talk about the difference between soul and spirit.

Shirin Etessam: Soul being what is uniquely your spirit being whatever one believes in, higher energy, higher self, universal energy, Jesus, God, whatever that is,

Shirin Etessam: but getting in touch with that. And then week six is about rewriting one story, and that is rewriting one story from the inside out, and that has a lot to do with tapping into your risen death,

Shirin Etessam: your reason for living. And I actually have a Venn diagram for it. And how one can go about doing that. So it doesn't like, Hey,

Shirin Etessam: write your own story, go ahead and manifest. But it's like, okay, out. So it's very practical. And that's great. What is your intention by the end of the book? By the end of the book,

Shirin Etessam: if I have done my job right, and whoever's reading it, or listening to it really follows it, there really should be a sense of contentment and fulfillment truly just by being so it isn't stripped away from there's,

Shirin Etessam: I mentioned a scene in Francis Ford Coppola's film, The Black Stallion, and I think it it's gorgeous, gorgeous scene in that, and I won't get into it, but the premise of the film is a horse and a boy who get stranded on an island together,

Shirin Etessam: they bond and form this friendship, and then he comes back and he's trained as a jockey and he learns all these rules and practices. practice, you know,

Shirin Etessam: all this stuff. And he's in front of a huge audience. And it's the biggest derby there is out of the gate, they are, they, they stumble. And then he starts stripping himself of all the things that have weighed him down,

Shirin Etessam: everything that is told to him as far as what to do. So he strips back to his authentic self and it's just him and his horse and obviously they they win.

Shirin Etessam: And I think that is my hope is that is what people are left with at the end of the book. Do you do these six weeks and then you're you're set,

Shirin Etessam: you would be fooling yourself thinking that is the case with any process. It's all a journey. So I'm still unfolding and evolving and learning. And, and, you know, we say it's not a journey from here to there, it's a journey from here to here.

Shirin Etessam: And is, and it always is continuing. So in many ways, I'm hoping much like Julia Cameron's Artist’s Way, you just do the process and it's done.

Shirin Etessam: No, it's in the active, practice and I would say daily practice of it and hopefully the book will set you on on your way.

Caryl Westmore: Well that's beautiful and I think that's quite a good place to end because we've gone all the way through. Is there anything I haven't asked you that you'd like to leave the listeners with? I mean I'm going to ask you more about your book but before we you know ask where it is. Is there any other part of your process?

Shirin Etessam: Well, the only thing I would add to it is that I think that spirituality has had a bad rap. And I'm on the crusade of sorts to really redefine it. That when you talk about spirituality, you're really talking about spiritual health or spiritual wellness. And when you say spirituality, it often sounds too woo-woo or it gets confused with religion and what we're talking about truly is spiritual wellness. And in order to achieve spiritual wellness, it has to be integrated in our daily lives. If we are visiting it here and there, it's like visiting a gym here and there. You may feel good for the moment, but you're not going to get lasting results. Tell us where we can find you and your book. Find it on a variety of platforms. Amazon's probably the easiest. You just search Free2B, and it should pop up. It's called Free2B, and Free2B is a six-week guide to reclaiming your soul. So thank you very much.

Caryl Westmore: Thank you, thank you for having me. Thanks for joining me on today's podcast. Want a free gift to inspire you further on your bookwriting adventure? My free checklist, five book hook tips to kickstart your bookwriting journey, will help you get clarity on the key essentials to make your book a winner. Download it at writethebookinsideyou .com /freegift. The links are in the show notes. Until next time, a big virtual hug and keep writing.